The Time It All Went Wrong

As I mature, I keep discovering I'm the worst judge of character. I've indefinitely searched for the positive attributes in people and believe those qualities shape their character. Unfortunately, I'm realizing I ignore the negative signs these people give me; the signs that indicate a person really doesn’t care about me and that I’m wasting my time trying to cultivate a meaningful relationship with them. This has happened with quite a few people, who I’ve considered close friends. And it has occurred once again, with someone who is still an important person in my life. I really trusted and looked up to this person. It was that love, which deceived me into thinking she was a person I could always count on for professional support, occasionally lean on to discuss my personal struggles and hang-out with on a friendly level too.

Ever since I was adopted at age 10, I've concealed my younger sister and me spent the first decade of our lives in foster care since we were severely neglected by our parents. I also refrain from speaking about this because living without a stable home or family rendered me feeling worthless and vulnerable to degrading statistics, while I encountered severe physical and verbal bullying at school. I have a difficult time trusting people and I lack a positive support system in life.

In March 2010, I was diagnosed with kidney cancer. Enduring several months of dialysis took a toll on my life, which is another topic I avoid discussing. Getting diagnosed with cancer felt surreal since it’s impossible to grasp reality when your future remains ambiguous. The time treatment took out of my life and impact it had on my body is sometimes too overwhelming to think about.  Regardless of what I’ve gone through, I want people to cherish my intrinsic characteristics like my exciting personality, talent, drive, integrity, loyalty and passion to excel in everything I do.

When I started working with my former mentor earlier this year, I was the happiest I had been in a long time. And I’m not just saying this; many of my friends told me they saw my “glowing confidence” and “sense of accomplishment.” I didn’t only enjoy working closely on a professional level with this person, we’d go out for lunch, talk about subjects we enjoy writing about, we’d discuss events, things we did with our families and friends, plus of course talk endlessly about my passion for fashion. It seemed unreal since nobody has ever supported me like that, or I’ve never had the confidence to discuss my future aspirations since I’ve struggled with my self-esteem and have difficulty believing in my own potential. And she was the first person to inquire about my goals after I graduate from Harvard and she seemed keen on helping me accomplish them. As everyone knows, my 'dream job' is to work in NYC in luxury fashion and lifestyle editorial, she was supportive of that too.

During an annual routine kidney biopsy and tons of medical tests I was diagnosed with ulcerative colitis (UC), after experiencing months of gross stomach pain. Following my diagnosis with UC, I was required to go undergo major surgery in May to survive since my kidney transplant halted most treatment options. Although I had a phenomenal hiatus with family and friends following my recovery from late May to mid June; I encountered additional life threatening health complications that I dealt with throughout the summer, which I’ve only recovered from recently including a liver transplant.

At the infancy of my second set of setbacks in June, I’ll admit I texted my mentor inappropriate information that pushed the limits of our relationship. Despite acknowledging the magnitude of my behavior, showing my remorse and trying to learn from my actions to the best of my ability—nothing I did mattered and the more I tried-- it made things worse; I got the impression that my effort to reconcile is equivalent to failure. My mistakes caused irreparable damage, which did much more than escalate my grief during such a difficult time. In the midst of all of this, I lost my beloved grandmother, who I still miss dearly. Although I received hundreds of “Get Well” cards from family and friends, I didn’t receive one from a person that mattered to me a lot, instead she confirmed that she didn’t want anything to do with me, in spite of understanding how much her support meant. Given the poor state of my health, my parents intervened with my mentor from witnessing the magnitude of my grief over the situation. Although I’m unaware of the content of the conversations between my parents and mentor, I wish I had the power to stop their interaction from happening. Although I've neglected to convey a lot of detail, I’ll leave it at that since I don't know what happened, except their interaction seemed to completely obliterate the circumstances of our relationship and I still feel negligent for their interactions, which I had no control over.

As I'm writing this assignment, I've found-out there's nothing worse than caring so much about others and realizing that those feelings aren’t returned. I’ve felt like that a lot, as if my devotion and effort are inexistent.

I’m so drained. No matter what I do, nothing makes a difference. I feel lost from the time it all went wrong, especially since I'm a person who strives to hone up and learn from my mistakes.